I know it has been a few weeks since I last wrote. September just never gets easier for me. I am now in my 5thSeptember of this life and journey without Franscois and I tell you it takes my breath away time and time again.
Let me give you a little insight to what happens to my body when September hits it like a gail force wind against a peaceful flag.
I used to be a spring girl, it comes with many hopes and many fresh beginnings. The flowers bloom with each stronger ray of sunshine. They come out from hiding from the frost and even though (if you are in Cape Town at least) they were tortured with a draught last season and yet they bloom as if it won’t happen again.
I know I could learn many lessons from nature but oh my dear heart just cannot tolerate the pain that September brings with it.
I find myself putting my head down and just going with the motions that the world and society still expect from you as a mom, as a woman, as a member of the different social groups your world finds itself in, many of them don’t know your story. Not to mention the three little people I continue to support on each of their own journeys into this world and how to navigate it all in their innocent minds.
It is so difficult for me to form sentences this time of the year. My heart is exhausted from this painful road that I am on. All I have energy for is to take one breathe in and one breathe out. Just keep going. Just keep breathing. I urge myself to not give up. Do not give up the fight of one-day feeling joy again.
My attorney asked me recently (because yes I am still dealing with the after effects of loosing my partner on a legal aspect as well) what the beginning, the middle and the end has felt like for me? My response to her left her pretty shocked for a reason I suppose I should get used to from people who have not walked a grief journey as I and many others have. I told her that I am still in the middle, that I have not seen the end yet so I cannot answer that question. I have answers for the beginning and the middle but not the end yet.
I have put together a video with Franscois and the girls, which I would love you to watch and get a glimpse into my happy pre trauma life, where September didn’t leave me empty, where I could understand why the flowers bloomed for a fresh beginning.
September will never be my friend, but perhaps I will learn to blossom again in true spirit, in hope and in healing.