Being alone runs deeper than you think…
Iv been told by many close relatives that I have become more ruthless in my responses, more honest in my opinions and perhaps unfiltered since Franscois’ death. Of course they refer to the responses and comments that they don’t always expect to hear from me or want to hear from me. Perhaps the words I have for them do not meet their original expectations for what they used to hear from Kristen BEFORE it all changed.
I don’t think anyone understands though that when your partner gets taken away from you, you lose not only your physical spouse but everything for which they are for you. Franscois and I dated for 6 years and were married for just short of four years when he had his accident.
A fundamental decade spent with another individual at such a growing stage in our lives has to speak volumes to those who are willing to consider the impact it has on the person left behind.
Franscois and I met and dated as teenagers and grew through our young adult lives together and into our responsibility of married-with-children life. Where we had full responsibility of our relationship, how we connected with friends as a couple, how we connected with our families and the dynamics in which we created life and bonds TOGETHER, as a unit.
I know I am one of the very blessed individuals to have known how wonderful my relationship was with my husband in terms of connection and understanding while he was still alive. It was never something we took for granted and we both were able to appreciate that of one another while our marriage was still shared between us both and he was alive.
The idea of how well we worked together as a partnership never changed after his death. Perhaps it was more highlighted to our close circle of relationships with family and friends that we made each other better individuals as a unit. Now don’t get me wrong we had our debates, our arguments, those moments where I wanted to kill him myself out of frustration but we always thankfully ended up on the right side of a tough moment for the most part.
What I would like for everyone who I have possibly offended or upset to just consider is the fact that my person who I was able to turn to, who nurtured my feelings into productivity and who I could merely just speak out to about how I was feeling has just simply disappeared in one split second from my world.
The person who used to know how I am constantly.
The person who used to help me with life.
The person whose number was ALWAYS on my call list.
The person I would kiss good-morning, goodbye, hello and goodnight.
The person I could share my frustrations.
The person that would listen.
The person that made me better.
I am in no denial about the fact that I have no ONE person who I can bounce my thoughts and feelings off of and perhaps I say things a bit harsher than I would have before. But perhaps people should also be more willing to think deeper than the service of what it looks like to them and consider that life is not as easy as it may be looking on the surface. There is an entire route system below the surface that no one sees or realizes.
I am so incredibly grateful for the friendships that have carried me through this journey and for those who continue to just be there for me while I figure this all out, because yes, even after FOUR years I haven’t figured out how to be the best Kristen I can be. I am ok with that and I know who is ok with me still learning and growing will stick around and I will cherish and adore that for what it is right now.