Grief does not ask permission to attend, it does not care where in life you are, it just slams itself down right in front of your dreams, in front of your future, in front of the world you once knew.
I always wonder with my children where their journeys will go, what will their story be, we all have our own book to write, our very own unique special learning moments, growing moments and soul searching days, I pray that I will get to see most of their days and be apart of their worlds much longer than just the days I am apart of nurturing and caring for them.
I wondered if my parents looked at me when I was born and had the same thoughts. Where will the world take you Kristen? We always wish for nothing but the best for our children, nothing but happiness and as little heartbreak as possible, but in all honesty what are the chances of that? Does pain inevitably grow our souls? Does it enrich our lives even though the pain we feel is indescribable, its pain so deep it feels like you cannot take another breath, from every cell in your body, to every tissue, every organ, every part of your diaphragm that must contract and expand to allow the oxygen into your lungs in order to keep you alive, but every time you breath there is nothing that stops you from thinking that this could actually be my very last breath, as pain runs deeper than a love shaped heart that we so like to believe we put a arrow through and live happily ever after, it is a crushing pain that cripples our every emotion except weakness and feeling that no matter how many times we breathe we are never going to manage to put back the pieces.
My dearest friend and psychologist always said she believes we choose our paths, we choose our pain in order to grow our souls in this world. But the pain of grief I cannot ever fathom that it was a choice to go down.
Although this being said I would often say that I would rather be naive and happy as I was before grief than be stronger and braver after grief. I realise the change in me as I have grown everyday and learnt about the new person I have had to choose to become but I always have moments where I wish I could just be the old happy none-the-wiser Kristen where I didn’t have to be brave, I didn’t have to relearn who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, where I am not forced to either choose to sit in a corner, surrendering, throwing in the towel and raise the white flag or choose to put on my smile, put on my armer and go fight the war that is inside of me, that grief gave me no out options. Its do or die.
Always remember you are BRAVER than you BELIEVE, STRONGER than you SEEM, SMARTER than you THINK & LOVED more than you know – Christopher Robin